But… like anything else this only my though.

We left our church of many years because of a geographical move. We talked to the pastor during the process and told him that we felt God was moving us and how. He prayed for us and assured us that he thought God would take care of us, wherever we ended up, and he actually teared up, saying he knew God might not ever bring us back. We didn’t offer any negative feedback. It was a good church and had helped us greatly in our Christian walk but we did feel for some time that the Lord was leading us on to a different situation spiritually (using economic and family issues to accomplish this.)

The next 2 churches we were in did not work for us, but since we were not leaving the area (ie. have a “reason” to be leaving) more explanation was needed for leaving. It did not go well. We did not just disappear but went to the pastors and told them why we felt it wasn’t for us. I don’t think they believed us and were defensive.

The second time was especially difficult and we went through a lot of emotional pain (as I am sure the pastor’s family did also.) We had tried several times earlier to work out several issues that had come up, but we never got a concerned response, so we eventually stopped trying. We were very discouraged by an attitude of disapproval towards people who were not the same (I am not talking about sin issues, but preferences and family standards/choices.)Judging from casual comments people made, very few people were understanding/growing from the preaching. So when we left, we said that we had tried to work out our differences to no avail and that we felt we needed to move on because we were “not getting fed”. It was taken exactly as you termed it “the parting shot”. It really wasn’t meant to be … it (the preaching)was just the most “fixable” thing we thought we could honestly say to help the dear friends that remained there at that church. ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend’ idea. You can’t really change someone’s personality quirks. But you can put up with a lot of uncomfortable stuff when the preaching is convicting and growth inducing.

Yes, there were other issues. And yes, we had made up our mind by the time that we told the pastor that we were leaving. We agonized and prayed about it for over a year. It just came down to the fact that if we felt so discouraged every time we went to church and, on top of that, we were not growing, how was that a positive way to be bringing up our children? And if we, being saved for a long time and pretty radically changed by the Lord, were feeling such disapproval, how could we invite our unchurched neighbors and friends to such an atmosphere? It was time to move on!

As I said, it was extremely difficult and we even went back to the pastor and tried to clear up what we saw as hard feelings but that did not go well either. God used it all in our life for good and to teach us things to do better and we have been at our present church for almost 3 years and we are doing well. I have watched others go through similar situations (including a relative who is a pastor and has lost members) and I really think it all depends on the pastor’s attitude. I can imagine how hard it is for pastors to discern between people who are getting sideways with the Lord and just want to take it out on you, and people who may have some real input and are telling you things because they care.

More people we knew left that last church that we attended (actually most have moved on)and they said they learned their lesson by watching what happened to us: they weren’t saying ANYTHING! So that pastor never got any more true feedback. Everyone went on to different churches and are now doing well.

I guess my point is that not everyone is just trying to lob a ‘parting shot’ when they leave a church. Sometimes they are giving you clues that you may just want to ignore and hope for the best, or write them off as “on the way out”. I would encourage pastors to talk openly with members who show signs of struggling because *that* is the point where some of the issues can be resolved.

And not every separation needs to be adversarial or dramatic. One friend had her former pastor tell her he disagreed with their decision to leave but they were always welcome to come back. My relative, who is a pastor, had a member leave his church amidst serious allegations only to repent and return after a couple of years and they are now faithfully serving together.

God moves people for different reasons and I think He has the different members of the body fit in where they will be the most useful. And He uses different types of churches and different types of people.

Just another perspective …

I do sympathize with how difficult it is to be a pastor and grow a church. And just when your heart bonds with a family, they may decide to up and leave without warning.

May God strengthen you all for His work and His glory!